Dr. Yucca: Episode 1 - Sam's wife discovers the Weed Twister
Y: Whats bothering you, Sam?
S: Its my wife, Dr. Yucca.
Y: Another blowout?
S: Worse. Shes tearing down my psyche, undermining my self-confidence, ripping apart the very essence of my identity!
Y: Sounds serious
S: Dr. Yucca, this is one for the books. You wouldnt believe how clever she is. This is the most insidious plot youve ever seen! I know you think Im paranoid. And maybe sometimes I am, a little. But this is not paranoia. This is an ingenious sneak attack that undoubtedly is the result of careful planning and intent!
Y: I take it this is a new behavior?
S: It actually started several months ago. She got this big box in the mail. I jokingly told Beth, "Looks like you got a new weapon?" She laughed and showed me this long yellow rod with a corkscrew tip and said its a gardening tool.
Y: Did the tool threaten you in some way?
S: Truthfully, I did imagine a few nightmarish scenarios with me at the sharp end of that object. But, I didnt expect what that tool would eventually accomplish.
Y: She placed it in the bedroom?
S: Nothing so obvious or Freudian, Im afraid. I tell you, Beth is very clever. At first she took it in the backyard and used it to pluck out weeds in her herb garden. She had the forethought to drag me outside when I was peacefully watching football, and showed me the weeds she pulled out " almost without effort," she said.
Y: How did you respond?
S: You would have been proud of me, Dr. Yucca. I didnt put her down or tease her, like I sometimes do. She seemed to be genuinely thrilled by this "weed twister," as its called. All I wanted to do was get back to the game, going into the fourth quarter, as I remember. So I said something like "Your new tool looks really cool, and your herbs are really growing well. Maybe I can check out this weeder thing later on, after the game?"
Y: Did she ask you to try it the weed whacker tool?
S: Yes she did, it's a weed twister, but she knew I was watching my favorite teams. So she agreed to show it to me later. I think this was part of the plot, Dr. Yucca.
S: Well, it didnt stop with the herb garden. Every week she would advance to another part of the garden. I didnt think much of it at first, because shes always loved to garden. But then I realized that she no longer called me out to help her in the garden. She seemed to be getting very independent.
Y: Dont you have a gardener?
S: We have a crew that comes out every week to mow the lawn, rake the leaves, trim the hedges and manage the weeds. But theyve been instructed to stay away from the herb garden and other places where Beth is cultivating plants. And, even in the lawn, they usually overlook a lot of little daisies and dandelions.
Y: Now, youre saying that Beth used to ask you to help with the weeds, until this ominous weed puller, twister tool showed up? Which means that now you can watch your football and baseball and basketball without interruption?
S: I was starting to get comfortable with this new peaceful arrangement, thanks to the weed twister. I was even thinking of writing a thank-you letter to Ergonica, the company who makes this thing. But then I thought maybe I should gather more information before I get too comfortable. I wasnt paranoid, but I was just a little curious. So during commercials I started looking out the windows to watch the happy herbalist.
Y: What did you see?
S: I didnt see anything unusual. She was often using the twister thing in back and in front, twisting around the flowerbeds and in the lawn area. And then I noticed several neighbors stopping by and chatting with her.
Y: Is that unusual to be talking with neighbors, I mean?
S: Not really. I could see her showing them this invention and often they would try it out. So it seemed quite ordinary, just curiosity and chatting with neighbors. There were both men and women out there, all neighbors that I know, and it seemed quite innocent.
Y: Is that it?
S: I noticed that they would occasionally look towards the house. I thought possibly they might be talking about me. So I became curious, once again.
Y: You wanted to know what they were talking about?
S: Exactly. So last Saturday when I saw my neighbor, Henry, trimming his hedges, I went out front to my driveway to make it look like I was going to do some work in the garage.
Y: You didnt want Henry to know about your curiosity?
S: Well, you know, its quite common for men to talk about women and our wives in confidence. So I started out by teasing Henry by saying, "Did you get to watch the Cowboys this morning?"
Y: Sounds like an innocuous statement.
S: Henry and I often tease each other in this way. Its like a little contest to see which one of us gets away with more weekend freedom away from the boss, so to speak.
Y: I understand. I can relate to that myself, as a matter of fact.
S: Thank you, Dr. Yucca. You see, Im really not far off the norm.
Y: Never said you were. Maybe just a little paranoid. Thats all
S: This is the issue, Dr. Yucca. I finally got Henry to tell me what Beth said. Beth told him that she actually enjoys twisting and hoeing weeds with the weed twister. She said you can twist out the big weeds and hoe down the little weeds like using a circle hoe. When he asked her why Im not out there helping her, she said that she doesnt really need my help that the weed twister is easy on the back, no bending over, no kneeling down. She said its actually fun to use the twister!
Y: I dont see a problem there, Sam. That should make you very comfortable.
S: OK. Except for one thing How can any tool , weed puller, weed popper, weed twister, whatever, make pulling out weeds fun? It defies the imagination! Think about it. Whats the hidden message behind her statement, Dr. Yucca?
Y: Im not sure I follow you, Sam.
S: Its quite simple, Dr. Yucca, shes going around telling Henry and all my neighbors something they cant possibly believe that she actually enjoys pulling out weeds with this weed twisting thing.
Y: She knows they wont believer her?
S: Thats right! So what will they think, Dr. Yucca?
Y: If they dont believe her theyll think shes making up a story to cover up for a lazy husband!
S: Thank you, Doc! Now am I paranoid, or what? Not only does she make me look bad, but she makes herself look like an innocent angelic victim, trying to cover up for my selfish, self-centered, hedonistic behavior of watching sports and drinking beer. I can only imagine what my neighbors talk about when they see Beth joyfully pulling out weeds every week, and Im nowhere in the scene! Am I crazy, Doc? What's your advice? Do we need some family counseling here?
Y: Before we jump to conclusions, Sam, I think we first need to do some objective research about the weed twisting experience, without Beth knowing about it. Maybe you can order one in a plain rapper? Why don't you have it sent to my office, so that we can both experiment with this new weeder popper-twister thing? In the mean time, see if any of your neighbors have actually bought their own weed twister, and if they have, how does it work for their weeds?
TO BE CONTINUED
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Comments by Dr. Yucca about weeds may also be viewed on the Garden Tools page.
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